rehab

Moscow is definitely not the right place to rehab. It just doesn’t let you do so. With all its party craziness, with the speed of a Ford Mustang GT it’s yelling you right in your face: “Go girl, get your body/soul out of the blankets/lattes/thoughts and live on!” You have this weird feeling like someone is chasing you – day by day. Every time I make a tiny attempt to take it mellow, just stay in with a tremendous cup of green tea and wow-mendous amount of books/magazines/thoughts around I understand that it simply doesn’t work like that. There is no way to change your habits and become a home-sitting proper young lady if you are not. It’s pointless to pretend that you are not an “every evening never home” girl. Even if your phone is switched off, it’s like you can seriously see your friends faces being like what in the world. If you want to fulfill a proper rehab – then travel. Like Liz did in Eat. Pray. Love. book. You will obviously get a decent chance to find your center. Going to a place no one knows you and sitting there – might probably work. Staying in Moscow attempting to make some time for yourself – fail.

Well, all in all I was not doing too bad this week. My weird, weird schedule looked as follows: work 9 am to 6 pm, run 7 pm to 8 pm, sleep 9 pm to 7am. Period. As simple as that. How did it feel? Totally awesome. A sweet combination of runs and 10-hour sleep made me wake up every day like I am a newborn. I didn’t pick up the phone and didn’t hurry anywhere. I got a little rest from driving all the time and lounging somewhere after work or chatting. I cleaned my head, my heart and my stuff as well. Deleted phone numbers that I never dial. Files I barely use. I literally threw bags of shit out of my car. Just a couple American quarters left inside. The theory of “you are not using smth for more than half year – you don’t need it” works, absolutely. What for to keep memories if they don’t brighten up your days anymore?

And – you know what – at the end of it all when you finally stop for a little while and look around – surprisingly – you get this awesome feeling of relief and … butterflies. I’ve been always inspired by speed – I thought  it’s the only power that puts life inside of me, my life, my city. But suddenly I come to realizing that sometimes you just need to stand still and look. Not even look but watch and track your thoughts, your emotions, your words. Not in a bad way, of course. Just kinda listen to yourself and go with the flow. I loved this feeling and found my obvious and simple idea for the upcoming spring/summer season – standing still instead of rushing. Taking everything easy. Being grateful to whatever life gives you and spending a chill, slow, lounge time. As soon as I made this decision, ideas came in huge packs, out of the nowhere. Sunrises and sunsets, roof dinners, watching planes taking off, going to random places and looking for the new cafes, stores, parks, damn, peoplewatching here and there – I want to squeeze every pleasure! lol

I am sooooo excited for the warm months when I get back to wearing my bikini top on a regular basis, and wedges, and light linen pants. I am excited for cold Starbucks coffee drinks and bronzer on my cheeks. I am excited for coral lip gloss, beach parties and weekends. For picnics and wine spritzers. For Toms shoes, fedoras and bangles of all kinds. For travelling and taking pictures. For new people, emotions, small talks. For tanned legs, and shopping, for terraces and Mango/Melon/Mint hooka. For going out in my Loboutin shoes, gettin drunk like a crazy woman and going barefoot! All of these happy expectations are lazy and slow in my heart. It’s cool if it goes this way. I will be chill if it doesn’t.

Sometimes when you push life too hard, it punches you back even harder. What if I try to let it go as it goes and not push then?