rehab

Moscow is definitely not the right place to rehab. It just doesn’t let you do so. With all its party craziness, with the speed of a Ford Mustang GT it’s yelling you right in your face: “Go girl, get your body/soul out of the blankets/lattes/thoughts and live on!” You have this weird feeling like someone is chasing you – day by day. Every time I make a tiny attempt to take it mellow, just stay in with a tremendous cup of green tea and wow-mendous amount of books/magazines/thoughts around I understand that it simply doesn’t work like that. There is no way to change your habits and become a home-sitting proper young lady if you are not. It’s pointless to pretend that you are not an “every evening never home” girl. Even if your phone is switched off, it’s like you can seriously see your friends faces being like what in the world. If you want to fulfill a proper rehab – then travel. Like Liz did in Eat. Pray. Love. book. You will obviously get a decent chance to find your center. Going to a place no one knows you and sitting there – might probably work. Staying in Moscow attempting to make some time for yourself – fail.

Well, all in all I was not doing too bad this week. My weird, weird schedule looked as follows: work 9 am to 6 pm, run 7 pm to 8 pm, sleep 9 pm to 7am. Period. As simple as that. How did it feel? Totally awesome. A sweet combination of runs and 10-hour sleep made me wake up every day like I am a newborn. I didn’t pick up the phone and didn’t hurry anywhere. I got a little rest from driving all the time and lounging somewhere after work or chatting. I cleaned my head, my heart and my stuff as well. Deleted phone numbers that I never dial. Files I barely use. I literally threw bags of shit out of my car. Just a couple American quarters left inside. The theory of “you are not using smth for more than half year – you don’t need it” works, absolutely. What for to keep memories if they don’t brighten up your days anymore?

And – you know what – at the end of it all when you finally stop for a little while and look around – surprisingly – you get this awesome feeling of relief and … butterflies. I’ve been always inspired by speed – I thought  it’s the only power that puts life inside of me, my life, my city. But suddenly I come to realizing that sometimes you just need to stand still and look. Not even look but watch and track your thoughts, your emotions, your words. Not in a bad way, of course. Just kinda listen to yourself and go with the flow. I loved this feeling and found my obvious and simple idea for the upcoming spring/summer season – standing still instead of rushing. Taking everything easy. Being grateful to whatever life gives you and spending a chill, slow, lounge time. As soon as I made this decision, ideas came in huge packs, out of the nowhere. Sunrises and sunsets, roof dinners, watching planes taking off, going to random places and looking for the new cafes, stores, parks, damn, peoplewatching here and there – I want to squeeze every pleasure! lol

I am sooooo excited for the warm months when I get back to wearing my bikini top on a regular basis, and wedges, and light linen pants. I am excited for cold Starbucks coffee drinks and bronzer on my cheeks. I am excited for coral lip gloss, beach parties and weekends. For picnics and wine spritzers. For Toms shoes, fedoras and bangles of all kinds. For travelling and taking pictures. For new people, emotions, small talks. For tanned legs, and shopping, for terraces and Mango/Melon/Mint hooka. For going out in my Loboutin shoes, gettin drunk like a crazy woman and going barefoot! All of these happy expectations are lazy and slow in my heart. It’s cool if it goes this way. I will be chill if it doesn’t.

Sometimes when you push life too hard, it punches you back even harder. What if I try to let it go as it goes and not push then?

little talks

I was thinking about men and women a lot recently, and came up to the idea which is kinda of new and ridiculous to me but totally suits my understanding, at this moment of my life, when I am 22, young, inexperienced, stupid. Building a relationship with someone has pretty much only two options. One is falling in love like a crazy woman, when this weirdo standing in front of you is no doubt the best, the coolest, the most handsome creature in the entire universe. You are completely lost in him and nothing else matters. Two is rational emotion. It may seem weird – what in the world is rational emotion when we talk about feelings but I experienced that myself and I think every person did. You may feel whatever, you might even get all the butterflies in your tummy but at the same time you look at the person accordingly and can figure out smth particular about him, his character, his pros and cons from the very beginning. The fact is that either way, sooner or later, you will face the person just the way he is. One day you will wake up and realize that you hate it that he says ‘shit’ in every sentence. Or he wears Gap instead of Tommy Hilfiger. Drinks black tea (!) not coffee. There is always smth about the guy that just doesn’t sit in your head right. The way he acts in this specific situation or in general. His gestures or words. I don’t know what’s worse – to realize it from the very beginning? Get used to little detail that bothers you and отдавать себе отчет that he might or might not change – the chances are very doubtful btw and you have to accept him anyways and face it day by day, year by year. Or live in the complete, vivid love for a couple years? When nothing can disabuse you in the strongest belief that the person you are with is your 100% soul mate. You live in this awkward illusion of entire happiness and understanding even though the reason is that you simply want to understand every single word and thought, you want to see the very best traits of someone else’s character, catching every little tune, every tiny mood swing and balancing on those. When this happy blind time passes, you meet the person himself, just the way he’s always been in reality. Gap instead of Tommy Hilfiger, tea instead of cappuccinos, one way or another.

 

We are all really different and we care for various things. What we are common in is the desire to search and finally find the right one. The perfect combination of everything all together, mix and match in one particular person. We always search and never find. We get tired of it all and settle down. There are ones who keep on searching no matter what and stay alone all their life. There are others who pick the first and get used to it. My story is the story of ups and downs, of multiple wrong choices, the story of pure excitement, love, passion and then emptiness, chaos, life rearrangements, over and over again. My story is a little puzzle of emotions, words, interests, pleasures, thoughts and little talks that fill my life to the top with… life. The more I laugh the more I cry, as simple as that. I find my center and lose it again. I build expectations and tear them apart. I make steps forward and steps back. I think and talk, I listen and think again. One day I will get back to myself just the way I am and, probably by those times I will be 76, watering roses in a beautiful garden with my old dog hanging out somewhere around. I have a long way ahead and obviously, the answers will come, with men, books, places.

“After all, baby, remember what they say – sometimes the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” 

 Elizabeth Gilbert. Eat, Pray, Love