little talks

I was thinking about men and women a lot recently, and came up to the idea which is kinda of new and ridiculous to me but totally suits my understanding, at this moment of my life, when I am 22, young, inexperienced, stupid. Building a relationship with someone has pretty much only two options. One is falling in love like a crazy woman, when this weirdo standing in front of you is no doubt the best, the coolest, the most handsome creature in the entire universe. You are completely lost in him and nothing else matters. Two is rational emotion. It may seem weird – what in the world is rational emotion when we talk about feelings but I experienced that myself and I think every person did. You may feel whatever, you might even get all the butterflies in your tummy but at the same time you look at the person accordingly and can figure out smth particular about him, his character, his pros and cons from the very beginning. The fact is that either way, sooner or later, you will face the person just the way he is. One day you will wake up and realize that you hate it that he says ‘shit’ in every sentence. Or he wears Gap instead of Tommy Hilfiger. Drinks black tea (!) not coffee. There is always smth about the guy that just doesn’t sit in your head right. The way he acts in this specific situation or in general. His gestures or words. I don’t know what’s worse – to realize it from the very beginning? Get used to little detail that bothers you and отдавать себе отчет that he might or might not change – the chances are very doubtful btw and you have to accept him anyways and face it day by day, year by year. Or live in the complete, vivid love for a couple years? When nothing can disabuse you in the strongest belief that the person you are with is your 100% soul mate. You live in this awkward illusion of entire happiness and understanding even though the reason is that you simply want to understand every single word and thought, you want to see the very best traits of someone else’s character, catching every little tune, every tiny mood swing and balancing on those. When this happy blind time passes, you meet the person himself, just the way he’s always been in reality. Gap instead of Tommy Hilfiger, tea instead of cappuccinos, one way or another.

 

We are all really different and we care for various things. What we are common in is the desire to search and finally find the right one. The perfect combination of everything all together, mix and match in one particular person. We always search and never find. We get tired of it all and settle down. There are ones who keep on searching no matter what and stay alone all their life. There are others who pick the first and get used to it. My story is the story of ups and downs, of multiple wrong choices, the story of pure excitement, love, passion and then emptiness, chaos, life rearrangements, over and over again. My story is a little puzzle of emotions, words, interests, pleasures, thoughts and little talks that fill my life to the top with… life. The more I laugh the more I cry, as simple as that. I find my center and lose it again. I build expectations and tear them apart. I make steps forward and steps back. I think and talk, I listen and think again. One day I will get back to myself just the way I am and, probably by those times I will be 76, watering roses in a beautiful garden with my old dog hanging out somewhere around. I have a long way ahead and obviously, the answers will come, with men, books, places.

“After all, baby, remember what they say – sometimes the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” 

 Elizabeth Gilbert. Eat, Pray, Love